The safety podisode
Hello, and welcome to Deviance, the BDSM Awareness Podcast. I’m Dax, and in this podisode, we’re going to look at one of the most important aspects of BDSM – Safety. So please, return your tray tables to their upright and locked positions, locate your nearest emergency exit, ensure the person next to you is securely strapped in, and adopt the position…
Safety is another big subject, so before I get into specific online and offline safety, I’d suggest that your initial priority should be to get some background info in BDSM and kinky stuff in general. That way, you’ll have a basic idea of what is and isn’t safe or normal, and should stand a chance of realising when someone is talking rubbish.
Ignore Fifty Shades of Grey; whilst those films and books bear a passing resemblance to BDSM, they’re full of unsafe practices. Instead, start with sites like Kink Academy, LovingBDSM.net and Kinkly There’s also some good articles on the lovense blog, and of course I publish articles on my DeviancebyDax store. It’s also worth a look at Fetlife and Reddit, however those sites are much harder to use when it comes to information you can trust; any pinned threads are usually OK but do take copious quantities of salt with you. I particularly recommend Kink Academy, they have plenty of free videos but you do need a subscription to access everything. I’ll put some links in the description, so do check those out.
Alright, let’s take a look at online safety first. The internet is a great way to learn more about BDSM and indeed sex in general, especially if you’re a little on the shy side, and don’t feel up to going to a munch, exhibition, festival or some other kinky event. There are loads of resources, and pretty much every social network has groups of kinksters chatting about everything you can think of. However, this also means that for every decent, upstanding member you’ll come across (I’m sure Freud would have something to say about coming across an upstanding member) ANYWAY for every decent person online, there are, roughly, a bazillion creeps, jerks, and abusers. Honestly, it’s a bazillion. I checked it with science.
So how do you stay safe?
First things first; get used to the term NSFW. This means “Not safe for work”, and whenever you see that term it means stuff which would probably get you fired if your employer found you looking at it while you were working. I strongly suggest creating new accounts on social media or any websites which are just for NSFW activities; the Twitter app on your mobile phone can switch between different accounts quite easily. Don’t use your real name, photos or any other information which could identify you. There are some very… Odd people out there, and it’s not unknown for people to find they’re being stalked (this goes equally for all genders). Sadly there is still something of a taboo around sex, so you might also want to minimise the risk of family, friends or employers accidentally discovering just how much of that 17 inch long grape scented double ended dildo you can take (£33.99 from my store deviancebydax.com, 15% off your first order with code daxpod01, link in the description while stocks last). What? Daddy’s gotta pay the bills.
Anyway, protect your identity, and stand your ground. Don’t let someone pressure you into revealing your face or your real name or location. No-one needs to know.
Next, If you follow me on Twitter, @TheSirDax, you’ll know I’m a fan of calling out bad practices, fake accounts and dangerous behaviour when I see it. We call dodgy stuff like this “red flags”, and I’m going to tell you how to spot them, as well as how to keep yourself safe. Sadly, most of this is going to be aimed at women – men get abuse too, but to a much lesser extent. Having said that, I do have some things to say about FinDommes later on, so stick around for that.
The most common type of fake you’ll come across is the e-Dom. Also known as TwittaDoms, InstaDoms, TumblrDoms – basically, guys who claim to be Dominants, who prey on women online in the hope of getting nudes and sexting, and often transitioning into mind games, gaslighting, blackmail and more. They’re guys who’ve seen some porn and think that BDSM is a legal way to abuse women, and that’s all they’re interested in.
So, how can you spot predators like these? Common indicators are that they use pictures of businessmen in suits to indicate what they think a Dominant is, they may use terms like Alpha or Buck in their bio, and their posts will be full of responses to multiple women saying something like “DM me babe”. Another good sign that you’re dealing with one of these people is that they’ll slide straight into your DMs or inbox calling you all sorts of names and demanding that you obey them. This is particularly common if you are using a new account, or don’t have many friends, followers or whatever connections the platform uses. Predators like to pick on people they think are inexperienced and isolated, so they can attempt to influence them. If someone does approach you, check into their history – read their bio on the site, and look at what things they’ve posted or groups they belong to. If they post things like “I want a horny slut to be my cumdump and obey me without question and let share her with all my friends”, well, that suggests they’re probably not going to be a good starting point. It also suggests there may be some issues that are best left to someone else to deal with… Ideally, you’re looking for someone who matches your outlook. If you want a mummy or daddy Dom, then look for someone who appears to be caring, kind and nurturing – perhaps they answer other people’s questions, talk about activities they like to do with littles, and who their favourite pup in Paw Patrol is. If you’re interested in being tied up with rope, look for someone who also has an interest, and perhaps talks about their favourite ties, or classes they’re thinking about going to. Basically, look for someone who sounds like the sort of person you’d get on with.
If you do start to talk to someone, other red flags will be them trying to stop you talking to other people – they want to make sure you only have contact with them, so they can control what you hear, and limit your access to support and advice that could threaten them. This may be in the form of demanding that you list them as your Dom or perhaps they want to have access to your DMs or inbox, and dictate that people must ask them first before they are allowed to talk to you (spoiler – they won’t be allowed to talk to you). Never give someone your passwords, by the way – someone asking for your password is one of the biggest red flags there is.
They may claim they’re your Dom now and then try to punish you by not talking to you for days at a time, or giving you punishments that you don’t deserve or haven’t agreed to. These are classic gaslighting techniques, and e-Doms love gaslighting women. Remember, *you* get to choose who you talk to, *you* get to choose who you play with, no-one should try to force themselves on you, online or off.
Remember, just because someone says they’re a Dom, doesn’t mean that they are; I’ve had women ask me whether its safe to do things that a guy online has told them to do – please don’t go cutting off circulation to your extremities or putting food into any hole that doesn’t have teeth, ok?
Also watch out for people who simply post porn all the time, or explicit pictures with comments like “Yeah baby”, “You like it like that”, or “I want to do this to some needy little sub oh yes be a good girl for daddy”. It’s one thing if an established Dominant is posting their own content they’ve made, but when it’s someone simply stealing porn clips, that’s another matter entirely. There are some simple steps you can take to help protect yourself; don’t give out personal information, don’t send photos with your face or identifying tattoos, and don’t blindly follow instructions some stranger on the internet gives you. I mean, ok I’M a stranger on the internet, giving you instructions, but that’s not the point.
Having said all that, there are plenty of decent people online – and I’ll help you find them in a future podisode.
Another thing to look out for is something called “Game Theory” or “Red pill”, which is a reference to the blue pill / red pill scene in the Matrix. There is, sadly, a massive online community devoted to Game and Red Pill, which is basically guys teaching other guys how to manipulate women. It’s an extension of pick-up theory, which treats women as objects to claim, essentially. It’s full of things like “How to make sure she always thinks about you”, “Don’t let her make her own decisions”, “how to make her reliant on you” and so on. I strongly suggest reading up on it – you’d be surprised how often I’ve overheard guys using these techniques in a bar. Obviously guys who use these tricks think there’s nothing wrong with it, but I have to wonder why a normal, decent person needs to resort to tricks in the first place rather than just be themselves.
Now, that was all about guys trying to manipulate women. There are also women who try to take advantage of men, and this usually comes across in the form of fake FinDommes, or Financial Dominatrixes. Now, FinDom is a well-known form of Domination; it’s usually between a wealthy person with a surplus of cash they don’t need, and they enjoy the experience of having control of that money taken away from them. They allow a Domme to tell them how to spend it – donating to charity, or buying a whole pub drinks, allowing the sub a treat, or of course buying the Dominant gifts and holidays. It is completely consensual and a responsible FinDomme will always ensure that the sub has enough money for their family and other commitments. The submissive gets the experience of the Domme having that control over them, the control that they’ve willingly given the Domme, and as with any other D/s dynamic it’s entirely consensual and within each other’s boundaries. As with anything in BDSM, there may be sexual elements, or there may not; the main point is that power exchange between a Dominant and submissive.
That’s what FinDomme is like when it’s done properly. With the internet, however, we now have lots of young women claiming to be FinDommes, and simply calling men all sorts of degrading names and demanding money without any thought to the men they’re targeting, or indeed doing anything to earn it. A genuine Dominant will never start calling someone names without their permission, and they’ll never demand submission of any form – physical, mental, financial or otherwise – without first earning it. If you’re a guy who is interested in Financial Domination, seek out an experienced FinDomme who can explain how she operates and can demonstrate that she’s the dominant for you.
If you don’t have much cash but really want to give it to someone, then subscribe to someone’s Snapchat or OnlyFans or buy yourself a porn subscription. At least you’ll know what to expect.
By the way, I know this is all sounding rather negative towards online activity; the good news is that there is still a lot of fun and satisfaction to be had online. We’ll look at that in more detail another time, don’t you worry…
So that’s the basics of online safety – now let’s look at how to stay safe in the real world. Thankfully, most of what I’m going to go over here applies just as much to normal dating as it does to BDSM; so if you know how to stay safe already, you’ll be fine. The difference here is that if you’re meeting someone with kinky stuff in mind, there can be an expectation of sexual activity right from the beginning. Unlike normal dating, where both people want to get to know each other and might be willing to take things slowly, if you’re meeting a prospective Dom, sub, or other play partner, it’s with BDSM as a focus, not necessarily a relationship. This means you need to take a little extra care not to get swept up in the moment.
The easiest, and safest way to meet someone, especially if you’re new, is through your local munch. A munch is basically an organised meeting of like-minded people, who get together to hang out or have play sessions, workshops, and all sorts of related activities – basically, a church of kink, if you like. Just like a church, there’ll be kneeling, special neckware, people putting things in other people’s mouths, folk shouting out “Oh Jesus”, but absolutely no underage boys.
You’ll often have a mix of regular members and newbies, so there’s a wide range of experience levels, and one of the many great things about this, is that dangerous people will usually be quickly spotted and removed. Anyway, meeting someone in person at a munch is a great way to get to know them, if they’re a regular then you’ll be able to ask other members if they’re ok, and if you’re both new, well you’ll be able to size each other up and potentially play in a safe environment.
Of course, that’s a best case scenario, you might not have that option, in which case, it’s time to go old-school. So let’s talk about meeting someone safely for the first time. Again, these tips will apply to regular dating just as much as they do to kink, but they bear repeating.
First, and most important, ALWAYS MEET SOMEWHERE PUBLIC. If your potential date doesn’t agree, then find someone else. I’ve heard of dates come up with all sorts of excuses – I’m nervous around other people, I’m embarrassed, I don’t want to talk about this stuff in public, that sort of thing. It’s all just a tactic to get you alone, and that is never a good sign. They might be a bit more subtle, so watch out for things like ok, give me your address and I’ll pick you up, or let’s meet in this location where there won’t be other people, meeting in a car park, or maybe they’ll suggest meeting in a hotel bar – which is when you find out they’ve got a room at the hotel and they want to go straight there. All of these are ma-hoooosive red flags. They clearly show that the other person has no regard for your safety, and just doesn’t want to be seen in public with you – and you have to ask yourself why they don’t want any witnesses…
Meeting in public, at least for the first few times, is the safest thing to do. If you always think of the worst case scenario, then you can’t go wrong. Meeting in a bar, coffee shop, restaurant etc means there will be security cameras, witnesses, and people who can help if things go wrong. Set up a safe call in advance – this is where you tell a friend that you’re meeting someone – they don’t need to know why – and that you’ll be in this location and you’ll text them or call them at a certain time. If you don’t call, they know something is up. Any reasonable person will be totally OK with you checking in with your friend during your date. Another option is to actually bring someone along – have them sit discretely nearby, so you can call on them if you need to.
If that’s not possible, there are a couple of other options. Some bars and pubs, at least in the UK, operate the “Ask for Angela” scheme. The idea is that if you feel like you need help, you can go to the bar and “Ask for Angela”, which is a code that means “Help”. The staff will discretely talk to you and take whatever steps you need – calling a taxi, a friend, or perhaps asking the other person to leave. So if possible, arrange to meet somewhere that has this sort of policy (sometimes there will be signs in the restrooms telling you what to do).
Again, if your potential date tries to change your mind about where to meet – find someone else. Also watch out for the last-minute change of plans – they’re hoping that you’re at the point where you’ve invested in the meeting, and if they change up the plan at the last moment, you won’t resist because otherwise it’s a waste of time. Stick to the plan. Remember that BDSM often relies on careful planning and consent – if they are that quick to change things up right from the beginning, does that bode well for the future?
Ok, so let’s assume you’ve got your public meeting – if possible, get table service, or get the drinks yourself, so you can be sure that nothing is put in them. When I meet a potential submissive, I like to pay for the drinks but have the submissive go to the bar – that way she knows her drink is safe, and it also introduces the serving dynamic. Use the evening to see how you get on, and don’t be afraid of asking personal questions.
In particular, ask about their experience, if any; how they handle safewords, and in particular, it’s always a good idea to ask about any mistakes they’ve made during a scene. We’ve all made mistakes at one point or another, and it’s how we handle them that’s a good indicator of trustworthiness. Also ask about their approach to aftercare; helping your partner recover after a scene is important, and their attitude towards aftercare can speak volumes. It’s also quite acceptable to ask if you can contact any of their previous play partners for a reference. I’d also suggest checking some id, such as a driving licence – I’m always happy to show mine.
After that, if you felt comfortable, it’s up to you – I’d always recommend meeting in public a couple of times before meeting privately, but sometimes that’s not necessary. Just trust your instincts – if something seems off, figure that out first.
When you do start to meet in private, follow the same safecall procedure as before. Keep your phone handy, and ideally, don’t agree to your arms being tied up until you are sure you’re OK. Also stand your ground – if you insist on condoms, or indeed no penetration, then don’t let them try to talk you out of it. If they do, end the meeting and have them leave if you feel unsafe. BDSM needs trust, and ignoring your limits is a bad sign. Same goes for ignoring a safeword – I’d suggest you do safeword during your first session, just so see how they handle it.
Speaking of safewords, let’s go over how to use them. First, I’d definitely recommend avoiding someone who says “they don’t allow safewords”. Sure, if you’re in a well established 24/7 total power exchange slave type of arrangement, then you might agree to waive safewords because trust is already well established. But when playing with someone new, you should always insist on being allowed to use a safeword. Oh, also watch out for someone who says they allow safewords, except during punishments – that’s also worrying. Anyway, a popular way to use safewords is to have the traffic light system. You use Green to indicate everything is fine, amber (or orange) to indicate you need to pause for some reason, and red means stop immediately. Either party can use a safeword, so if the sub needs to adjust their bindings or the Dom’s hand is getting tired, saying “Amber” would be a good way to have a pause and adjust as necessary. I like to check in during a scene – I’ll ask my partner how they’re doing, and they’ll reply as appropriate. If the answer is green you can just carry on and not disrupt the flow. It’s up to you, you may prefer to just get on with it.
Also have a visual cue you can use in case you can’t talk, for whatever reason. Holding up your hand, tapping your partners arm three times, something like that.
Lastly, try to keep your first session short, maybe two hours including chatting before and aftercare. It’s easy to get swept up with a new partner, so you might find yourself ignoring things you might otherwise pick up on. Decompress with a relaxing bath or some wine afterwards, and decide if you want to see them again.
Hopefully that’s given you some insight into staying safe, both online and off. I have deliberately focused on things that can go wrong; hopefully, that won’t be your experience, but it always pays to be prepared. Plan for the worst, and you won’t be caught out. Oh, and I should stress that everything I’ve covered here is a mix of common sense or my own advice – you are of course ree to do whatever you want; there’s no right or wrong way to kink, but do try to be responsible. Safety is a big subject, and if you’ve got any tips or tricks, send them in and I’ll share them in a future podisode.
Next up is Sir’s Suggestions!
Every podisode, I’m going to recommend something for you. Books, films, websites…
For this podisode, I’m going to recommend a book – His Favourite Hucow by Sinistre Ange. It’s available on Kindle, Kindle Unlimited as well as in paperback, and is a sci-fi story set in a future where criminals are given a choice to serve out their sentence in service to particular fetishes. This story follows Margaret as she pays her debt to society by becoming a Hucow, which is a kink I had vaguely heard of, and entering a herd under the oversight of Leo, who takes quite a shine to his new acquisition. Expect lots of talk about sex, large breasts, milk, consensual slavery, sex, and bondage. Followed by more sex. I particularly liked the way the author managed to avoid any cheesy clichés – it was an enjoyable read, I actually cared about the characters, and the sex scenes didn’t make me cringe. There is a follow-up book, and scope for at least two more.
Now, my chosen sex toy or kinky accessory which you can buy on my online store. In this podisode, I’m going to recommend the Rocks Off Lust Linx Ball and Chain. This is a remote controlled kegel ball made of bodysafe silicone, with a discrete remote that looks like a lipstick. It’s not too large, but you’ll know it’s there even before you turn it on. And trust me, you’re gonna know when this is turned on! It has three vibration and 7 pulse settings, and is 100% waterproof. RRP is £54.99, but your Uncle Daxy is selling it for the low low price of £36.99, on my store, deviancebydax.com. AND you can use code DaxPod01 for 15% off your entire first order -Yes, FIFTEEN PERCENT, 1 5 of your finest Britsh percentages. That’s valid until the end of November 2019, but can’t be combined with any other discounts.
Moving on, it’s time for The News of the Screws, funny or interesting stories that I’ve seen in the news recently. Today I saw an article about a new product called the Testicuzzi, which, as you might be able to guess, is a mini jacuzzi for your gentlemen’s bits. Apparently the idea came from college students filling a plastic cup with water, dropping the lads in and having someone blow into the water with a straw. It looks kinda like a small jacuzzi, you dunk your plums in the basin, rest your dick on the small cushion, and a jet of water blows bubbles on your balls. Well, guess that means I can give the wife her foot spa back… Anyway, this does sound like an ideal gag gift for Christmas, so if your boss is always talking bollocks, get them one of these so at least it’ll be clean bollocks.
Our last segment is Dax’s Deeds.
Every podisode I’ll set you a little task; usually related to this week’s podisode. If you’re looking to meet someone, I’d like you to research safe venues you could meet at nearby, so you have a plan ready to go. Look into the “Ask for Angela” scheme, and see if your city or bars do anything similar. That way, if you do find someone you want to play with, you can suggest the meeting venue right away and do it on your terms.
And with that, it’s time to end! I’m Sir Dax, and You can follow me on the Twitters @TheSirDax, email questions, comments or suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org, and you can visit my online store at deviancebydax.com.
Thank you for listening, don’t forget to Like, Subscribe, and serve.